Oh Boy.

Well.

Given my last post was more narrative, I thought my second shot could be a bit more puppy-filled, joke-inspired, and sing-songy.  NOPE!  Since I have a late-month post assigned to me, I feel it's worthwhile to reflect a bit on what this particular February has been like for me, especially given how it started.

I'll still try to include puppies.

In thinking about this month, I'm realizing how lucky I am that I'm reflecting on it with equal parts challenge and gratitude.  This February left me embroiled in continued confrontation, feeling totally stuck in an endless loop of miscommunications, willful ignorances, high-octane reactions, and just enough positive reinforcements to keep tempting messes into continuing toward some imagined, deeply-sought resolution.

Here are some things I have been learning this month in really powerful ways.  I share them in first-person because I don't want to generalize, but I think they're relatable.  At least I hope so.

1.  I have to make it safe for people to love me.  Especially when love feels particularly dangerous to them.  If I constantly fight people, they will probably think that loving me isn't such a safe bet, especially if they think love is a total nightmare to begin with.

2.  I'm even better at fighting than I ever realized.  I'm tremendously confrontational, I turn just about any uncertain situation into a battle.  I started learning this (VERY FUCKING OBVIOUS) lesson about myself several years ago.  But I keep learning it anew, and the stakes get higher and higher, and the pain of this edge feels sharper, and the consequences come into clearer focus.  I feel worse and worse about it, get into thorny situations, and then rest on my fighting instinct to get me out of it.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

3.  Being an attorney is likely to be the solid outlet for fighting that I hoped it would.  This month, I competed in the National Appellate Advocacy Competition.  My team wrote a mock appellate brief to the Supreme Court, and then competed in a 3-day regional competition in San Francisco.  During a final practice, I was in the midst of a furious text exchange, and I put down my phone to get up and practice my argument.  My team peppered me with really tough questions, and I got more and more impassioned.  I finished the round with some exceedingly forceful hand gestures, and tersely concluded.  I figured I had pissed everyone off.  My coach said, "That was your best.  By far."  And you know what?  I didn't feel as angry as I did when I had gotten up there.

4.  I'm not better than cliches.  They still teach me things, even though it can be a little embarrassing to admit it.  This month, my uncle passed away suddenly.  We weren't close, as mental illness had prevented him from maintaining deep relationships.  He was a sweet man, and a very talented musician.  But I didn't know him very well.  I wasn't so much saddened by the loss as I was stunned, shocked, shaken.  I couldn't go home to be with my family, which hurt particularly deeply.  I thought about sudden loss, which has defined February for so many of us.  I thought about every relationship in my life, if it ended suddenly, G-d forbid, would end with love.  Except one.  So I told my ex, "None of this anger seems worth it, or at least not today.  Life is too short to define our relationships by the exact opposite of our real feelings for people."  He said, "I know.  We are just so, so angry."  I felt torn between the important lesson of letting shit go because life is too short, and the lived reality of being human in the moment.  The moment is fraught, the moment is challenging; telling myself I should get the fuck over it because I might die tomorrow just doesn't feel very honest.  But sticking with moments that suck doesn't feel very loving.

5.  Which is the next thing I've been learning.  Sometimes, knowing how angry you are and how worthless it is to maintain doesn't really change how angry you are.  Sometimes you just want to keep being angry.  Because something about it feels right, even if nothing about it feels good.  (See #2 above, re: fighting).  If you aren't ready to stop being angry, you should name that.  It feels a little embarrassing.  Usually, our suffering works best when it masquerades as beyond our control.  But it just isn't.  So, I named it.  I said: Being angry is the worst.  I feel awful about it.  And.  I'm not ready to give it up yet.  I choose it, still.  I'm not proud of that choice, and I don't think it's the best one.  But it's the one I'm making for now.  You have to choose the thing you're doing, especially when it totally sucks and you feel like you have no excuses for choosing it because you should be choosing something way more worthy of you.

6.  Yesterday I went to my coach's house for brunch.  We sat outside, drank mimosas, laughed for five hours, and stared out at the entire Bay while soaking up the gorgeous February sunlight and warmth.  California doesn't care that it's February.  Maybe sometimes I shouldn't, either.

7.  This girl really knows how to be something that she is.

8.  These puppies really know how to be something that they are.

9.  These lesbians really know how to wear eyeglasses.

10.  This just really knows how to be awesome.

11.  You're all amazing and I love you so much!