February 20, 2017

Dear friends -

It is an honor to be included on this journey through February with you all, many of whom I know, and some I don’t. As I read through last week’s posts, I was repeatedly struck by the subtle poignancy of the words you’ve written and shared. Recently, I’ve been sensitive to words, images, and ideas in a way I never have before, so these posts have the ability to cut straight to my core emotions easily.

As some of you know, my partner Nico died 48 days ago. We’d been together for 21 months, were deeply in love, and were excitedly planning a beautiful future together. His death was totally unexpected and very traumatic. Processing this trauma and loss has been the greatest challenge of my life.

I’ve also been surrounded by the most incredible network of support I could imagine. I’ve been held in ways I never knew were possible, and I’m deeply grateful for that. I’m not sure I would have survived the last seven weeks without the gifts and presence of so many beautiful, wise people.

As someone who has always been a planner, I’ve been doing my best to let go of my impulse to plan, and embrace the reality that I have very little control over where this journey of grief and trauma will take me. Nico was a pro at going with the flow, so I’ve been doing my best to follow in his footsteps and trust my heart and my gut. It’s been going remarkably well - my willingness to change directions on a dime and accept help in unexpected places and ways has led me to healers and stories that have been instrumental to my healing process.

One of these places was the apartment of two of Nico’s closest friends in LA, a recently married gay couple, who I was just getting to know in the months before he died. While staying with them during a trip to see Nico’s family in LA a couple weeks ago, our conversation took a turn for the profound, and I learned for the first time about the philosophies and values that guide their lives. One of them has a Buddhist meditation practice, and he shared a “Buddhism Day By Day” book that strongly resonated with me, and I ended up purchasing for myself. The entry for today focuses on the power of self-growth and hope in the face of obstacles, which feels appropriate for the current moment, as I, along with so many others, am seeking ways to become a stronger person in the face of some truly shitty recent events. Here it is:

All my love to you all,

Gene