Lost in the Forest

Hello Friends in February,

I could not let February move through me entirely without sending a digital wave your ways.

This 10 year marker became a full-on February for me, and I've spent the last couple of weeks wading through the deep waters this month is poised to invoke. At some point, talking to Tricia, she suggested I look at old posts. I did so for a few minutes- and I just want to say I recommend it, and also, thanks for embracing a decade of my quirkiness and poetry both on and off blogspot.

And now, just a quick link to a poem that says so much for me, in this moment, as I reach inward to the center of what is this community and reach out towards you all as shabbat approaches and will bring with her March. 

And then, an old favorite- one that I found in that very first February of all Februaries that recently popped up in my heart/mind in a sweet moment. Thanks to Rick Benjamin for the practice of learning poetry, and to David Wagoner for these words that continue to discover me when I am most in need of finding my way back.

Lost
by David Wagoner

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. you must let it find you.

Love like the ocean,
Aya

[Feb 25] Better late than never!

I am so so sorry that I missed my date to post but better late than never!

Here's a piece that moved me a few months ago and I still think about a lot. It was circulating so maybe most of you have seen it, but sharing here in case you haven't:
https://www.reconstructingjudaism.org/news/godliness-faith-in-humanity-and-surviving-911

Lots of love and hugs to you all!

Tali

[february 23, 2020] what's in a number?

Has this February been weird or what?

I’ve been wanting to write something for days… Finding myself somewhat speechless.

Today is ten years since my mom passed away. Ten years. Just thinking about how much has happened in that amount of time is breath-taking. How blessed we are to have each other over this span of time. 

We had the azkara/yahrtzeit for my mom a little early this year… I chose to read my sister’s eulogy, entitled, “Ima and Motherhood” because it resonated with me. 

My sister talked about how only when she became a mother and understood how difficult a job it really was, did she understand how gracefully my mom raised us.  Maya talks about how special it was to share motherhood with her mother, how Ima was the first person to hold the baby, how they marveled together that the baby’s tushy fit in the palm of their hand and how my mom told Maya that her tush used to be that small once too! I wonder what she would say about her little Einat-de-la-kush-kush becoming an Ima.

I always thought that when I had a baby, I would feel some closure with my mom. In this moment, it almost feels “too closed.” By which I mean … it feels like it all could have changed up until this point. And now ten years feels like it solidifies this truth in my life: my mom is not here.

And yet, I feel her with me and in me all the time. Dudi and I both absolutely felt her during the labor and delivery. It’s not the same, it’s a new relationship, but it continues to be one of the most defining relationships in my life.

When my mom was dying, I was writing a lot, specifically about how I felt that we were all “living the questions” (thank you, Rilke) and now I feel, perhaps more than ever, that I am living so many questions and it is overwhelming not to have answers. Aren’t I supposed to have answers now that I’m an adult? Apparently, that’s not how this works. And maybe I find some relief in that; in fact, I believe I am in good company (you all!) that would not want to have it any other way.

Thank you, Mary Oliver for always saying the right thing.

Mysteries, Yes
Mary Oliver

Truly, we live with mysteries too marvelous
   to be understood.

How grass can be nourishing in the
   mouths of the lambs.
How rivers and stones are forever
   in allegiance with gravity
      while we ourselves dream of rising.
How two hands touch and the bonds will
   never be broken.
How people come, from delight or the
   scars of damage,
to the comfort of a poem.

Let me keep my distance, always, from those
   who think they have the answers.

Let me keep company always with those who say
   “Look!” and laugh in astonishment,
   and bow their heads.

Amazing new podcast I'm really into

excited to publish the first episode of my short daily podcast about wheat futures! it's the pilot episode so i'm sorry for the rough audio. if you happen to have any tips for improving the sound quality, please let me know pic.twitter.com/Wpv83ZUEsR

— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) February 13, 2020

February 5, 2020 ~bonus post~

sylvester came to live with me recently. 

he must know everything that goes on in the apartment.

 "and what do you fill this tub with? water, is it?" 

"i must take a sample." 

["the laboratory is processing your results."]

"it tested clean. you may bathe.

what would you do without me?"

[February 2]

Beloveds,

Le plan

Le schedule:

Ruthie	2
Allie	4
Nomi	6
Brandon	8
Sarah	10
Anna	12
Sophie	13
Einat	14
Sam	15
Mordechai	16
Jonah	17
Tali	18
Ruthie	19
Aya	20
Jana	21

Le first post:

I recommend a read-aloud of this. Two or more people advised, but it'll be excellent if you read it to yourself (aloud).

Love,

Ruthie

[February 31st] Better late than never

Hiiiii. It's me. It's March 3rd. The days have just been passing me by.

I've been really aware lately of my two-ness. Well, I've been really aware of it since I first read the description in early 2017 and was like "OH HI YES THIS IS ME" and that all still feels pretty recent. One thing that I know about myself, and that the language of the enneagram has given me words to name, is that the value I see in myself is anchored in the value others see in me. Thank you all for teaching me, simply by not being disappointed in me because I missed my day, for showing me that when I maybe can't show up for others, you'll still love me, especially if it's just posting on a blog, which is so so important and also maybe there are other ways that I can show up and it's ok if I'm late to post on the blog.

Sometimes I feel like I'm really drinking the enneagram Kool-Aid, but it's really good Kool-Aid and I want people I love to drink it, too. So, if you haven't, I strongly recommend taking the enneagram test (there are also free versions if you google around). Ok, enough plugging.

I'm back in Kenya and I'm having some delightful moments that make me feel like posting on Instagram, and then I kept thinking that instead I could share those moments with you. I sat with a colleague today and told him about how I keep waking up in the middle of the night and don't realize until who knows how much time has gone by that I've been in a half asleep state trying to solve a work problem that I certainly can't solve without my calendar or spreadsheet open and I should just go back to sleep. So, I'm a little stressed...and these moments of delight are all the more, well, delightful. And I want to share them with you!

When I lived in Kenya, I had this idea that I would post on my blog - at all, really, but also a specific idea - sights and sounds and smells of Kenya. I never did, but since I've already embraced the better late than never approach, here are some from the last few days:

I drove all around Kitui County earlier this week, and in addition to generally marveling at the epic blue sky and the gorgeous trees I hadn't realized I'd missed seeing, I loved passing dried up river beds - these seasonal rivers are, like, rushing during and after the rainy season, and NOWHERE TO BE FOUND during the dry season. Whoa, Earth!

[ok I had to give up on uploading this, it's a lot of loud chirping]

I woke up before my alarm because these birds were going caraaaaazay outside, and it was kind of awesome. This is audio, not video, but I think maybe I've successfully uploaded by pretending it's a video?

Sweaty, blinded-by-the-equator-sun me in front of the waterfall in Karura Forest, my favorite place in Nairobi, which Wangari Maathai and a band of fierce women defended so that Nairobians can learn about and enjoy nature, and so that I can take delightful Sunday morning runs. Today, I also saw one monkey on my run, which was like, "Ru! I made an appearance so you can feel like you saw monkeys but I didn't come with a crew because sometimes we're scary when there are many."

I was sitting and doing work and already being like, "I'm so lucky, it's so warm and sunny but I'm in the shade and I have coffee and I got a table outside that ALSO has an outlet" when a child just came over to me and gave me this flower and then walked away (hopefully back to his parents, who I assume were enjoying their own delightful coffee experience.

I visited this decentralized wastewater treatment facility in rural Kenya and the sky was so blue and there were mountains in the distance I wanted to climb and I kept asking people what mountains they were and they were like, "those are just some mountains" so no one else thought they were special but I decided that taking photos in scenic treatment plant locations is my new thing, this is 2/2. 

This is a photo I took for my job, which is about toilets, and that's fun, isn't it?

This was my last meeting of the day and I convinced everyone that we should sit outside in the shade which was a wonderful decision because inside would have been so stuffy and hot and this was deliiiiiiightful and there was a breeze. After the meeting, we discovered that the drive on the very bumpy road had caused the back door to no longer be able to close, so we all stood around watching one person try to close it repeatedly, and then someone, like, hammered something, and then it worked. But again, I was in the shade, and isn't it amazing that shade is a thing?

This is Elizabeth. She sold us 20 mangoes for 15 shillings each (about $0.15) and then she gave us three more for free and I was like, "Ok, Kitui County does not have coffee (like not even instant) and I couldn't get water at breakfast because no one ever wants water for breakfast so they just don't have it, but there are these mangoes, so I'll take it."

And did you think I forgot about smells? Haven't yet figured out how to upload, but I smelled the most amazing petrichor on my way home this evening. It rained a little earlier today - I felt the first few drops as I went full Kenyan and sprinted down the street to try to get inside before the skies opened...which they didn't end up doing...just a few drops and some epic scents.

I love you all. We did it. Thanks for being here. See you next year.