[february 11, 2019]

Hi beautiful loved ones,

I remember this day and night 9 years ago… Felt like everything was crumbling.

Sometimes, it still feels like everything is crumbling, and I am (slowly) growing to be at peace with that.

I miss my mama. Dudi and I are deeply excited/humbled on the daily because I have a little fetus growing inside of me (!!!), and my body is changing in many ways, and my psyche is changing too. I hear Ima’s voice in my ear, “Oh my goodness! My baby is having a baby! Tfu tfu tfu.” I always thought it would give me some sort of “closure” when I was pregnant, somehow, the ultimate connection to my mother. Maybe it still will/can… It has made me realize that, just like always, I really only want her.  I miss her nuanced perspective, her intellect, her complete presence with me even on the phone. She always made it known how much she loved us….

Not many more words right now. A Naomi Shihab Nye poem below that resonates.

So grateful for each of you and for this community and space.

Love always,

einat

***

Making a Fist

By Naomi Shihab Nye

    We forget that we are all dead men conversing with dead men.

                                                                  —Jorge Luis Borges

For the first time, on the road north of Tampico,

I felt the life sliding out of me,

a drum in the desert, harder and harder to hear.

I was seven, I lay in the car

watching palm trees swirl a sickening pattern past the glass.

My stomach was a melon split wide inside my skin.

“How do you know if you are going to die?”

I begged my mother.

We had been traveling for days.

With strange confidence she answered,

“When you can no longer make a fist.”

Years later I smile to think of that journey,

the borders we must cross separately,

stamped with our unanswerable woes.

I who did not die, who am still living,

still lying in the backseat behind all my questions,

clenching and opening one small hand.

Hi All -

I am excited to have spent the first few few days of this February with much of my closest feb-community. I was lucky to have Yoav at my home last Shabbat and wanted to take this opportunity to "formally" welcome him to this little "February sub-community".

I am just coming off a super-energizing shabbat in Brooklyn staying at Nat's palatial apartment and having delicious and raucous meals at the home of Reb Loeb along with Harry, Nat, and others.
I am feeling in awe of how completely at-home & in-community I am during this February month both in Tel Aviv (last year) and in New York (now). 

Last night Viki and I went to a screening of a new film starring a friend/up-and-coming Hungarian actor, Geza Rohrig (from Son of Saul), and Matthew Broderick -- "To Dust".
The film reminded me much of this unique community in that it stared death & mourning straight in the face - embracing all the deep pain and sorrow while also having many moments of belly-aching laughter. If you are interested/open to having a raw, at times grotesque, engagement with Jewish mourning this month - I highly recommend this film. 

And on a lighter note -- I am just returning from the 3rd birthday party of my delicious red-headed nephew Yehuda where I had the honor of moderating and participating in my first ever apple-bobbing tournament which for some reason was way too challenging for all present children and ended up being a competition amongst the three grown Fisher brothers.

Just sharing a few brief windows into my world and mind this month...

Sending love to you all - especially as we near Avi's 9th Yahrzeit this coming Tuesday the 12th.

Jonah 

Hello loved ones

Hi dearest ones, near and far, far and wide, wide and deep. How wonderful for me to hear your voices on these posts. Is it inappropriate to say that I am glad to be back here?

I now shan't resist being the third to post a Mary Oliver poem -- three times making it a chazakah! -- and so this is the one that I have been holding for the past year. Her words here provide solidarity for me: I am not the only one who gets swept up in the hurricane of love. This love is exactly as I'd always imagined it would be. It is like this: To be full of fear and full of confidence at the same time, having to hold myself steady in the epicenter of contradictions. This love keeps me alive.

Speaking of my love and speaking of poetry -- my fiance published two poems this month, both of which I found deeply stirring (a good and a bad feeling) and provocative. Here is the one I would like to share. Brace yourselves, it is hard to read, but I think worth considering nonetheless. And you can imagine some of the imagery comes right from our living room!

Our living room is indeed bright and full of happiness. Yesterday my chevruta Hadar came over for gin and tonics, which we made with ingredients from our lemon tree and orange tree and mint garden. I guess I can't really complain about living in California, can I?

You are welcome here anytime, dearest February family.

-Zoe

Buoyancy

Hi February Friends,

February, as some of us might say, continues to be [itself].
[[[Does anyone else want a pronoun to help February sound more sentient than "itself", but not want to need to gender February in the process?]]]

One shift in my relation to this sentient month seems to be a new relation with surrender. After a fall full of fire and a January full of movement, I feel still in her embrace. Held. Safe.
I'm allowing February to flow through me like water, and discovering how buoyant I  am when I surrender to [her] waves.

On Sunday my yoga instructor reminded us that even the deepest ocean has a floor beneath [it], is snuggled by earth. Last night I let the sound of her swell lull me to sleep.

Tonight she has me wanting to enjoy the rare quiet night home, By Myself, to step away from screens... I hope some more words arrive for me to share with you later on in this month but for now... a few of our dear, darling, beloved Mary's.

And, alright. Some of Nariyah's because... water. And because... we are. soft.

As they will, I do feel something brewing- so I do hope to return to this post and share more as February simmers.

love you like a rain drop in california fall,
aya



[[[P.S.I do not know how to weave this in to anything above... but/and, I came across this video a couple weeks ago, and did want to share it with you all. I think dating a GenX-er has heightened my millenial sensibilities. The economy, the state of the world, the avocado toast- it's. just. not. our. fault. And sometimes, especially in these times, it helps me to laugh about it. ]]]

[[[P.P. S. Happy Birthday Sophie Elsner! Wow thank goodness she was born! What a blessing.]]]

Hello, Friends!

I'm writing to you from the 21st floor of a new office tower on the Hudson River, where my law firm recently moved to new offices. There has been much grumbling about the move, particularly because we transitioned to an open floor plan, but here's something great: I have a view of the Hudson River, I watch boats going by, I watch the sunset, I feel very peaceful. I've taken to watching the boats in particular--from high up on this floor, I can see their slow movements and the long wakes they leave behind them, and it's really quite lovely to watch. There's even a very nice comfy chair and ottoman combo around the corner from my desk that serves as a great perch. So, as February settles in, I invite you all to find some place where you feel and witness something soothing and calm, from whatever your perch.

This article is all about the poop business and its title reminded me of our fearless leader, Ruthie, and her efforts to make the whole world care more about this business and how to make it accessible and sustainable! It felt fitting that this appeared as a recommended article to me today, when I'm due for a post!

I recently watched the Fyre Festival documentary on Netflix, and was really happy to see that even though the movie said not a jot about compensation for the Bahamian workers who never saw a dime, folks banded together to raise money to help them all out. Way to go, human beings!

Weather in NYC has been surprisingly pleasant this first week of February, but I'm not optimistic that will last, so I'll be joining the masses and trying this apparently amazing recipe to warm up.

I'm still steeping myself in much Mary Oliver, and wanted to share this lovely reading she did of a poem from her book Dog Songs, which Einat gave me as a birthday gift this year. As a new dog owner, I couldn't relate more. Just listening to this makes me want to rush home to my sweet pup.

Speaking of which, how could I make a February post all by myself? I need Zisi's help. Here she is, wishing you all a very good, loving, sweet, gentle day:

[February 5th] laughter

Dear Ones,

Since moving back to the US in May, I've been doing this exercise thing called Gyrotonic. It simultaneously feels like I'm in a cult of professional dancers and wealthy women over 60, like I am stretching and releasing muscles I did not know I had, and like I am healing my heart by moving my body. I would love to talk about it more. For now, though, I'm telling you this so that I can tell you that at the end of the session today, my instructor said, "We're done. I can finally say it. You've crossed a threshold." Last week, I felt like I had unlearned absolutely everything. Nothing was feeling natural and I was overthinking all the movements and getting frustrated. And this week, I kept feeling like I must be doing things wrong because they felt so easy...but I was doing them all right! It clicked, and it's so cool. My sweet instructor was like, "I said a little prayer before you got here, after last week..." and it's all good and we can laugh about how my mind rebelled last week because of how well things went today! I kept thinking of a video I'd seen years ago that made me laugh so much...

Something I noticed when re-watching this today was the teacher saying, "It's ok if your shoes aren't doing it. Just don't worry, ok?" toward the end of the video. I'm glad she says it (though I wish I trusted that she meant it more, for poor Ashley's sake) and that's really what I want to tell all of us today - I know we're trying and we're doing our best and that really is enough, and just don't worry, ok?

I love you all,
Ruthie

the plan

Thank you for your nudges to make this happen and for your patience as I got my late start. Last year I asked you to please forgive me for lazily linking to last year's details on how/when/where/why(?) to post but this year I'm not even apologizing, because I'm pretty tired and I trust you'll accept it and also I think I'm finally getting more careful with my sorries now that I'm in my thirties.

I scheduled us once each and it gets us to the 18th. I will give a few more days for people to send their "in" replies and then share the rest of the month (either with later-than-me responders or with doubles for those who have already been scheduled) in a week or so.

5	Ruthie	19	Sam
6	Jana	20	Mordechai
7	Aya	21	Jonah
8	Zoe	22	Anna
9	Alma	23	Allie
10	Jonah	24	Nomi
11	Einat	25	Jana
12	Yoav	26	Sarah
13	Aleeza	27	Einat
14	Sophie	28	Ruthie
15	Anna
16	Eve
17	Gene
18	Tali

I'm so glad you're in with me. I can't wait to see what we share. I love you.

Ruthie