[February 31st] Better late than never

Hiiiii. It's me. It's March 3rd. The days have just been passing me by.

I've been really aware lately of my two-ness. Well, I've been really aware of it since I first read the description in early 2017 and was like "OH HI YES THIS IS ME" and that all still feels pretty recent. One thing that I know about myself, and that the language of the enneagram has given me words to name, is that the value I see in myself is anchored in the value others see in me. Thank you all for teaching me, simply by not being disappointed in me because I missed my day, for showing me that when I maybe can't show up for others, you'll still love me, especially if it's just posting on a blog, which is so so important and also maybe there are other ways that I can show up and it's ok if I'm late to post on the blog.

Sometimes I feel like I'm really drinking the enneagram Kool-Aid, but it's really good Kool-Aid and I want people I love to drink it, too. So, if you haven't, I strongly recommend taking the enneagram test (there are also free versions if you google around). Ok, enough plugging.

I'm back in Kenya and I'm having some delightful moments that make me feel like posting on Instagram, and then I kept thinking that instead I could share those moments with you. I sat with a colleague today and told him about how I keep waking up in the middle of the night and don't realize until who knows how much time has gone by that I've been in a half asleep state trying to solve a work problem that I certainly can't solve without my calendar or spreadsheet open and I should just go back to sleep. So, I'm a little stressed...and these moments of delight are all the more, well, delightful. And I want to share them with you!

When I lived in Kenya, I had this idea that I would post on my blog - at all, really, but also a specific idea - sights and sounds and smells of Kenya. I never did, but since I've already embraced the better late than never approach, here are some from the last few days:

I drove all around Kitui County earlier this week, and in addition to generally marveling at the epic blue sky and the gorgeous trees I hadn't realized I'd missed seeing, I loved passing dried up river beds - these seasonal rivers are, like, rushing during and after the rainy season, and NOWHERE TO BE FOUND during the dry season. Whoa, Earth!

[ok I had to give up on uploading this, it's a lot of loud chirping]

I woke up before my alarm because these birds were going caraaaaazay outside, and it was kind of awesome. This is audio, not video, but I think maybe I've successfully uploaded by pretending it's a video?

Sweaty, blinded-by-the-equator-sun me in front of the waterfall in Karura Forest, my favorite place in Nairobi, which Wangari Maathai and a band of fierce women defended so that Nairobians can learn about and enjoy nature, and so that I can take delightful Sunday morning runs. Today, I also saw one monkey on my run, which was like, "Ru! I made an appearance so you can feel like you saw monkeys but I didn't come with a crew because sometimes we're scary when there are many."

I was sitting and doing work and already being like, "I'm so lucky, it's so warm and sunny but I'm in the shade and I have coffee and I got a table outside that ALSO has an outlet" when a child just came over to me and gave me this flower and then walked away (hopefully back to his parents, who I assume were enjoying their own delightful coffee experience.

I visited this decentralized wastewater treatment facility in rural Kenya and the sky was so blue and there were mountains in the distance I wanted to climb and I kept asking people what mountains they were and they were like, "those are just some mountains" so no one else thought they were special but I decided that taking photos in scenic treatment plant locations is my new thing, this is 2/2. 

This is a photo I took for my job, which is about toilets, and that's fun, isn't it?

This was my last meeting of the day and I convinced everyone that we should sit outside in the shade which was a wonderful decision because inside would have been so stuffy and hot and this was deliiiiiiightful and there was a breeze. After the meeting, we discovered that the drive on the very bumpy road had caused the back door to no longer be able to close, so we all stood around watching one person try to close it repeatedly, and then someone, like, hammered something, and then it worked. But again, I was in the shade, and isn't it amazing that shade is a thing?

This is Elizabeth. She sold us 20 mangoes for 15 shillings each (about $0.15) and then she gave us three more for free and I was like, "Ok, Kitui County does not have coffee (like not even instant) and I couldn't get water at breakfast because no one ever wants water for breakfast so they just don't have it, but there are these mangoes, so I'll take it."

And did you think I forgot about smells? Haven't yet figured out how to upload, but I smelled the most amazing petrichor on my way home this evening. It rained a little earlier today - I felt the first few drops as I went full Kenyan and sprinted down the street to try to get inside before the skies opened...which they didn't end up doing...just a few drops and some epic scents.

I love you all. We did it. Thanks for being here. See you next year.

Feb. 27th

Hi my friends,

Another February is nearly complete! Wow. This one really flew by for me, for a few reasons. First, Micah and I took a legit VACATION to the Bahamas for the first week of the month, which was deeply relaxing and rejuvenating. I kept being overwhelmed with wonder and gratitude that "vacation" is even a thing, and feeling super indebted to and inspired by labor activists of past generations for fighting for this to be part of my rights as a worker. Thanks, guys! Wow, I needed that.

It has also flown by because I am pregnant with twins, and I find that I am experiencing and marking time and in some new ways as the pregnancy progresses, including thinking more in weeks and days than in months at the moment. I'm happy to report that so far everyone is healthy and well. :) During this February month I started to really feel fetal movement, and now these kicks and flips and dance parties happening internally are punctuating my days (and totally distracting me during some of my therapy sessions with my clients!). So, for me, this month has felt very ALIVE this year.

And now to some internet things to share just for fun:

I saw "Green Book" last night, and actually really enjoyed it. But/and, after seeing the movie I watched this funny parody of that genre of movie and, while some moments are a bit slow and maybe it's a bit long, numerous lines in it made me laugh out loud and I recommend it. The very end gave me the biggest laugh so it is worth sticking with it.

Other than that, last thought is that I'm really enjoying paying attention to how the days are already getting noticeably longer even though it's still totally February and still winter. Each time I see the sun still out after 5 pm it gives me this little thrill of excitement about spring coming. The feeling makes me think of this song from Nava Tehila that I love and want to share.

Love to all of you wherever you are,

Nomi

[february 24, 2019 - femsex throwback]

Dear ones, 
I spent some time looking through old emails this week... Sometimes they let me hear my mom's voice in my ear and I remember that she is always on my shoulder. 

In fall 2009, I participated in FemSex - The Female Sexuality Workshop - that many of you know and participated in as well.  One specifically meaningful assignment for me was... to make "a map of home." I just found my map, and I wanted to share it here for you. I don't think I've shared it with anyone other than my mom herself. The quality is... lacking, but I think you'll get the idea.

Leah (Lola) is my mom's mom. Amalia is my dad's mom. Naomi is my mom. And then there's me. Aya, you might recognize the bamboo rafts from Thailand... The poem is below. Interestingly, I am ever more grateful for the monthly ceremony of bleeding, even though I am currently in some different kind of ceremony... all feels related to motherhood and my ancestors who brought me to this moment.  

Love and gentleness, 
einat

poem in praise of menstruation

lucille clifton

if there is a river

more beautiful than this

bright as the blood

red edge of the moon          if

 

there is a river

more faithful than this

returning each month

to the same delta          if there

 

is a river

braver than this

coming and coming in a surge

of passion, of pain          if there is

 

a river

more ancient than this

daughter of eve

mother of cain and of abel          if there is in

 

the universe such a river          if

there is some where water

more powerful than this wild

water

pray that it flows also

through animals

beautiful and faithful and ancient

and female and brave 

Some Confections

Hi my dears, I am squeaking it in during the ending hours of my allotted day, February 23rd.

Earlier this month, I spent a little bit of time looking through my entries from February Projects past. Has anyone else done that? Re-encountered a previous self inhabiting a different life that is no longer?

I recommend it; there was perspective there. And some delight. And a little bit of heartache. But in a primarily good way.

Look at us! Having done this for enough time that we have inhabited a few different incarnations of our existences since we began. How beautiful. How marvelous.

Lately, I have been less about words, more about image and about intuition. I'm going to share some pantings my one of my favorite artists, Wayne Thiebaud. I even like saying his name. There is something delightful about it, a delight that I also find in his art, especially in the pieces he's most famous for, which depict desserts. These reproductions don't do justice to the spirit that comes off the canvases when you are in their presence (duh), but at least you can get the gist, then maybe go visit a few of them at the MoMA or the SF MoMA or the Getty or the East Wing of the National Gallery or somewhere like that.

His paintings have this thrilling electricity to them, emanating (I think) from the slight shocks of bright color that appear slyly in every piece, unmissable but never taking center stage.

So here they are. If ever you're feeling in need of a little zing, Google "Wayne Thiebaud dessert."

My love to you all.

February 22

On my way to the blog today I bumped into this little guy, who asked me to come up with a SINGLE reason he shouldn't be featured. I couldn't.

hedgehog

Lately I have been doing freelance editing professionally, and I was introduced to this quote in a client's manuscript. It's about therapy, which is something I really like.

We honor our parents by not accepting as the final equation the most troubling characteristics of our relationship. I decided between my father and me that the sum of our troubles would not be the summation of our lives together. In analysis you work to turn the ghosts that haunt you into ancestors who accompany you. That takes hard work and a lot of love, but it’s the way we lessen the burdens our children have to carry. Insisting on our own experience, our own final calculus of love, trouble, hard times and, if we’re lucky, a little transcendence. This is how we claim our own lives as sons and daughters, independent souls on our piece of ground. It’s not always an option. There are irretrievable lives and unredeemable sins, but the chance to rise above is one I wish for yours and mine.

I work to be an ancestor. I hope my summation will be written by my sons and daughter, with our family’s help, and by their sons and daughters with their guidance…. But this kind of story has no end. It is simply told in your own blood until it is passed along to be told in the blood of those you love, who inherit it. As it’s told, it is altered, as all stories are in the telling, by time, will, perception, faith, love, work, by hope, deceit, imagination, fear, history and the thousand other variable powers that play upon our personal narratives. It continues to be told because along with the seed of its own immolation, the story carries with it the rebirthing seed of renewal, a different destiny for those who hear it than the painful one my father and I struggled through. Slowly, a new story emerges from the old, of differently realized lives, building upon the rough experience of those who’ve come before and stepping over the battle-worn carcasses of the past. On a good day this is how we live. This is love. 

—from “Long Time Comin’,” the final chapter of Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen

The quote reminds me of a value/belief that's really deeply held by my family on my mom's side, which is, "Good things come from New Jersey."

Secondly, my sister-in-law again said something this week that the hedgehog told me to put here. She was talking about baby Ruthie's sleep, and said basically, "With Leo, I read all these different books explaining why you have to co-sleep forever or sleep train in just this or that way and thought that the answer was in the books and I might screw Leo up if I did the wrong thing. Now, I'm pretty sure that Ruthie will be fine whether we co-sleep for three years or let her cry it out at 3 months, and I think what would actually screw her up more than necessary is if her parents pick an approach that makes us more anxious or disturbed than necessary." Far be it from me to enter the sleep-training debates, but the kernel of her thought process really resonated with me: that the answer might not be hidden in that one book she didn't read yet, but rather floating somewhere in her, waiting to be found.

I love hearing everyone's voices. Xo,

Anna

Feb 18 (but on the 21)

Well isn't that just nice?

That's a joke for Tricia, really, but if you imagine hearing a 92-year-old lady you met once at synagogue saying it to herself quietly before she hangs up the phone when you call to offer her a ride, you can be in on it, too.

Anyways, I'm a few days late, but probably because February was just waiting for me to this find this comic and send it to you.

https://www.davyendler.com/On-God

It's really good.

Thanks for sharing and for being here to share with.

Rackover Update & Some Writing I'm On...

For complicated resaons, I have to take down my post.

I'm really sorry.

I actually thought the blog was 'secret-ish' so that only the participants could see it.

In retrospect, I realize we never set it up like that.

\love
m