February 22, 2017

It's 8pm and I'm still at work at the hospital where I'm a resident in Washington, D.C. I'm in between consults and seeing patients, my to-do list is running long, and knowing that I'm carrying you each with me - with all the associations we have during this month that unite us - my heart feels no loneliness. Tonight as my contribution to our Project (thank you Ruthie!) is the song running through my head, keeping me company as I flow through the day (now the night). It is the poetry that I share with you, the calm flow that I bring you, to take you from tonight into tomorrow...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6pUyxcKrRQ

Love,
Sarah

February 20, 2017

Dear friends -

It is an honor to be included on this journey through February with you all, many of whom I know, and some I don’t. As I read through last week’s posts, I was repeatedly struck by the subtle poignancy of the words you’ve written and shared. Recently, I’ve been sensitive to words, images, and ideas in a way I never have before, so these posts have the ability to cut straight to my core emotions easily.

As some of you know, my partner Nico died 48 days ago. We’d been together for 21 months, were deeply in love, and were excitedly planning a beautiful future together. His death was totally unexpected and very traumatic. Processing this trauma and loss has been the greatest challenge of my life.

I’ve also been surrounded by the most incredible network of support I could imagine. I’ve been held in ways I never knew were possible, and I’m deeply grateful for that. I’m not sure I would have survived the last seven weeks without the gifts and presence of so many beautiful, wise people.

As someone who has always been a planner, I’ve been doing my best to let go of my impulse to plan, and embrace the reality that I have very little control over where this journey of grief and trauma will take me. Nico was a pro at going with the flow, so I’ve been doing my best to follow in his footsteps and trust my heart and my gut. It’s been going remarkably well - my willingness to change directions on a dime and accept help in unexpected places and ways has led me to healers and stories that have been instrumental to my healing process.

One of these places was the apartment of two of Nico’s closest friends in LA, a recently married gay couple, who I was just getting to know in the months before he died. While staying with them during a trip to see Nico’s family in LA a couple weeks ago, our conversation took a turn for the profound, and I learned for the first time about the philosophies and values that guide their lives. One of them has a Buddhist meditation practice, and he shared a “Buddhism Day By Day” book that strongly resonated with me, and I ended up purchasing for myself. The entry for today focuses on the power of self-growth and hope in the face of obstacles, which feels appropriate for the current moment, as I, along with so many others, am seeking ways to become a stronger person in the face of some truly shitty recent events. Here it is:

All my love to you all,

Gene

Clyde Stubblefield, 1943-2017

"We lost another Pillar Stone that held up the Foundation of Funk. Mr.Clyde Stubblefield has left our frequency. I am lost for words & Rythme right now. Dang Clyde! U taught me so much as I stood their watchin' over u & Jabo while keepin' one eye on the Godfather. We all loved U so much. (SENDOUT YR LOVE TO HIS FAMILY & FRIENDS)! Then share yr stories about this Fire breathin' Drummer, (THE FUNKY DRUMMER)! R.I.P. From all yr Funkateers..." ---Bootsy Collins

an act of chesed to lift us all up.

stay loose
benj

Bonus Post

There were three things that got me through this week:

1. Seeing the 20th anniversary tour of Rent

2. Going to a Rent-themed SoulCycle class

3. This video that Einat sent me:

I kind of thought I was "over" Rent. It's, like, kind of passe now, right? But I think it's fair to say that Rent changed my life, as it inspired a deep empathy and curiosity for HIV/AIDS, which placed me on a long trajectory towards a career in healthcare. And Rent changed art, too. It was super avant-garde in the 90s to have a multicultural cast that featured characters who were junkies, drag queens, and lesbians. We're still paying homage now to those bold choices (read: Hamilton), and it's still -- oddly enough -- considered avant-garde.

I guess what I'm particularly struck by, as I reenter an obsessive Rent period, is how important art becomes in the fight for what we believe is right. I think often of "Untitled" (billboard of an empty bed) and its strange magic that made people really *see* what was already in front of their eyes. 

I'm super tempted to close with a lyric, but I'll save it for Adam and Lin-Manuel.

Happy Sunday <3

NB: Posting on behalf of Ariel, whose work firewall has a vendetta against our humble blog. #resist 

First: 14 animals that are feminist AF.

Second, a poem that resonates with pregnant me SO MUCH, with thanks to Einat for inspiring my dive into nayyirah waheed:

and i said to my body. softly. 'i want

to be your friend.' it took a 

long breath. and replied 'i have

been waiting my whole life for

this.' 

-nayyirah waheed 

A Poem for Someone Who is Juggling Her Life

This is a poem for someone
who is juggling her life.
Be still sometimes.
Be still sometimes.

It needs repeating
over and over
to catch her attention
over and over,
as someone who is juggling her life
finds it difficult to hear.

Be still sometimes.
Be still sometimes.
Let it all fall sometimes.

Rose Cook, from Notes From a Bright Field (Cultured Llama, 2013)

February 14, 2017

“I love you, gentlest of Ways, who ripened us as we wrestled with you.”

                                                                        -From Rilke’s “Love Poems to God”

It was all so simple.